Diminishing Resolution

It comes a little late this year, but finally I think I've settled on some resolutions. Okay, so it's mid-February already, which sounds like six weeks since the year turned, but my general rule is that New Year's resolutions aren't really due until Super Bowl Sunday. I think you have to live in the year a bit, to get a feel for it before making such a commitment. December is too full of Christmas; one doesn't start to think about the new year until the 26th at the earliest, and the holidays make it much too easy for New Year's Eve to creep up. So, we're left with the possibility of making our resolutions in haste, without reflection, and who wants that? Maybe that's why so many people's resolutions fail--they weren't the right ones after all.

Then after Christmas there's the kids' birthdays, and before you know it, it's Super Bowl Sunday.

I don't watch football (or any sports, really), so Super Bowl Sunday is good day to contemplate and think about what changes I'd like to make in the coming year.

I have also some rules I try to follow in coming up with resolutions. First, there should be no more than three. Second, they should be positive statements--eat more rice, get regular oil changes--of what I will do, rather than statements of what I won't.

So, I thought I had this figured out for 2009.

Sleep more. Read more. Write more.

Simple, right?

Well, with regard to sleeping more, I have had mixed results so far, but I am working to change my habits. Before I had set my go-to-bed time at midnight. Now, I've moved it back to 11:30. Most days I'm not hitting it, but only by about 10 minutes, so I'm pleased. I do know that when I have this extra time, I sleep better and feel better in the morning.

But it's been about 3 weeks now since the Super Bowl, and on the read more/write more front there's been no movement. Probably because I'm not sure what exactly I mean. I think when I first said read more I meant books. And it's not really happening. I'm not a reader.

Oh, but I read all the time. I read the political blogs and the sciencey blogs and making stuff blogs all the time. Day in, day out, for hours on end. But it's so ephemeral and it doesn't feel like I'm reading like I used to do.

I don't know what was the last book I finished. I've made it halfway through Carl Zimmer's Parasite Rex a couple of times. I know about 3 years ago I read a book about Kepler and Brahe. That's probably it, the last full book I read.

My wife probably reads 4 books a week. Maybe more. All the time I spend online, she spends in books. Last week she was laughing out loud, reading David Sedaris. I tried; I read about 90 pages of it. It was mostly amusing. But when I put it down, I felt no compulsion to pick it back up again.

No, wait, I do remember something. Because I started thinking I had no idea what was the last novel I ever read and it came to me. It was last year, at spring break, I started reading the Poisonwood Bible. That one took me a while, but I did read it through. I had to keep coming back to it till I was done. It was amazingly good.

And then, there's the writing.

What did I mean, more writing? I'm pretty sure I didn't mean poetry, exactly, or entirely. That's a well that I've long ago stopped visiting. The returns just weren't there. Or else, because I've gotten out of the habit, the words won't come like they used to.

No, I think what I meant was more like this, or more about my work. Writing to clarify and expand a fleeting thought. Certainly, I have a lot to say about certain things. I think that's what I meant. Start saying them.

And then, as sometimes happens, I started thinking again about Poetry. I mean the big-P poetry, the literary, the scholarly. And I remembered that series on PBS so long ago (20 years? 30?) called Voices & Visions. I had them all on VHS tapes when they aired.

So, I googled it and found them at the Annenberg/CPB site where you can stream them. I watched the first, on Elizabeth Bishop, last night. And started thinking maybe I could simplify the Read More/Write More dictum into just More Poetry.

I think maybe I'll try that for a while.

Diminishing Resolution

tonight i'll sleep like a million ants
crawling in your brain like a bad idea
settling down for a long winter's nap
burrowing down to your deepest thoughts

tonight I'll dream like a thousand frowns
I'll sail like the song on a violin string
I'll sing like a wire out on the plains
I'll whip through the air like the sting of remorse

tonight I'll walk through a hundred walls
between the dark and the night I'll stumble
between the half and the whole I'll wander
like the bones of a ghost I'll walk as I crumble

tonight I'll say ten Hail Marys
ten Hail Marys and ten Peter Gabriels
making sure that the words ring true
I'll say what I mean and I'll sing what I say

tonight I'll savor one single moment
she'll be the twist of my silent spine
she'll be the twitch of my trigger finger
she'll be the match for my diamond mind

tonight I'll be one tenth of myself
I'll be a whole town in the depths of denial
I'll be one state in the union of confusion
I'll be a world in the congress of moonlight

Reduce, Reuse, Recycle, REPAIR

Been fixing things lately.

Started out when Marty's iPod died.  Got the sad iPod icon on startup.  Research indicated a dead or dying hard drive.  Best suggested cure was whacking it; but that didn't seem to do anything.  Along the way, I came across someone who had replaced the microdrive with a CompactFlash card.  And what do you  know, I found a good deal on one.

But, it's always something.  It had been a good long time since I opened Gerry's iPod mini to replace the battery, so I didn't quite remember little things like how hard you had to work to pull off the top, or how far to stick the pry bar.  Damn, I broke the screen.

Still, you seek and sometimes you find.  Got a good price on a replacement screen on eBay.

Hey, it works!  Not only did I fix the dead iPod, I upgraded it and doubled its capacity with an 8GB CF card.

Then I remembered that I still had that damn dead iBook.  I really loved that iBook.  It served me well.  But with no video it was pretty darn useless.  I did hook up a firewire cable and boot it into target mode to copy some of its files over a couple of weeks ago.  Which only made me wish it was working.

Well, the internet is an amazing place.  I came across a video put out by a school district's IT department in Maine detailing how they'd taken the crazy idea of flaming a candle on top of the video processor and modified it.  

So what have I got to lose?  Worst case, I end up with a broken iBook, which is where I'm starting.  So, heat gun to the rescue!

Hell, yes, it worked.

Of course, now there's a dead battery to deal with, but that's just a matter of settling for spending the money.

Then I got back 'round to Gerry's iPod, which needed a new battery.  I found a cheap one (eBay again).  And while I was at it, I got a good price on a 16 GB CF card, so I upgraded the capacity as well.  

All in all, though it took a while, things are better.  Here's something about the work it takes to make it so:

Many Lives, Much Work

how many lives will it take

to make the change i need to make

how many times will i need to learn

what makes a man make things that last

how many lives will i need to take

to make one life enough to have

how much work do i have in store

before my work will stand for me

and when we discuss and disagree

and scream like all we say is most

and when we flush and flight like cowards

and scream and whisper all the truth

and when we double up our outrage

and when we fling ourselves to hell

that's when we know we've done our utmost

that's when we know we've gone to hell

how many lives  do i need to take

to make this work become a force

how many days is that you say

to make it all complete and closed

how many lives will it take

to change the model of my heart

how many times will i need to teach

what makes a man make things that last

and when we digress and equivocate

and scream like all we say is best

and when we flinch and fight our courage

and scream and doubt our worth is moot

and when we double up our outrage

and when we fling ourselves to hell

that's when we know we've done our utmost

that's when we know we've gone to hell

how many lies will i get to use

to make one life enough to have

how much work do I have in store

before i stand beside myself

everything's broken

It all started in July, as I was deep into the writing of my master's report. The iBook died. Now fortunately, I was not using the iBook for much of the writing, and no critical files were lost. Still, it was a blow. The iBook had been a critical lifestyle facilitator for the past 4 years. I kept it in the family room, on an end table, where I could casually pick it up to check email, tv listings, headlines.

I should have done more to save it. One day, there was no video. And that was that. It was a known issue with iBooks of its vintage, and I had heard a couple of years ago that Apple was recalling certain models due to a problem with the logic board. But when I checked, mine was not within the range of serial numbers. And I'd had no problems ...

I didn't have the cojones to try this, so I guess I just have to let it go.

Now I go and find that Apple had expanded its program, mine was included, but the deadline was expired. So I'm screwed.

Sparklebelly's car was next. We've known for a while that there were problems. Blue smoke from the exhaust is never good, but it only gets worse if you don't deal with it. Turns out this is another known problem. And another one that hits us too late. Finally took it to the shop. They say we need a new engine and they tried to find us a used one, but without success. New, we're looking at 8K$. That's a big OUCH that we don't have, not with G going off to college. Hell, that's 40% of a new car, and I can finance a car for less than I can finance the credit card debt I'd need to take on for the new engine. No thanks. We'll keep feeding it oil and see if we can squeeze out a few more months before biting the bullet on a new used car.

A few days later, I woke up and found the oven was beeping. It wasn't on--and it shouldn't have been at 6 in the AM--but it was beeping with an error code on the display. Couldn't figure out any way to shut it down except to turn off the breaker. Which turns off multiple lights in the house as well. At least the refrigerator was on another circuit. Once more, we had to call the Man. Who offered to replace the malfunctioning module. That's a 260$ OUCH. That he has to order for us. In the meantime, no lights, no oven.

Did I mention one of the AC units has been acting strangely? It's the one that cools the part of the house we spend the most time in. (We call the other end of the house the Residence, but don't have a name for this part. I think I'll start calling it the Occupance.) The AC will come on, but only blowing, not cooling. But only sometimes. Sometimes it cools. Sometimes it doesn't. I can't discern from the fancy digital thermostat display that anything's wrong. Jessica thinks its a design feature--the city overrides to save energy at critical usage times. But it seems to do it a lot. Still, it doesn't get TOO hot, and we have the fans, so maybe it can slide ...

Last week Gerry's MacBook suddenly went black. No warning, no kernel panic, just black. No sound, no reboot, no nothing.

Dead in the water. Powerless. A hardware failure for sure.

Okay, we only got it in June, so still have warranty. That's a good thing. Took it to the shop, they'll get it fixed.

But while we wait, Gerry's using the iMac700. And then we started having random kernel panics there, too.

Why is my life filled with gubbish?

Apropos of this, here's a recent song:

New Defective
(imagine a Bo Diddley beat)


we are a defective race
broken in the dna
broken in the soul of us
broken like a face

we live in the defective place
breaking up the day
breaking in the cumulus
breaking like the sky

this is a defective year
bringing fever to my bones
bringing language from the west
bringing misery home

we are a defective race
breaking up the day
bringing language from the west
broken like a face

we live in the defective place
bringing fever to my bones
broken in the soul of us
breaking like the sky

this is a defective year
broken in the dna
breaking in the cumulus
bringing misery home

we are a defective race
we live in the defective place
this is a defective year
we are a defective race

48 rockets

Thought of this last night and wrote a quick verse, but still not sure what it would be all about:

there's 48 rockets that never got built
48 rockets that never saw the sky
48 reasons why i can't come home
48 hundred tears i've cried

First post

and I'm not sure why